Recovery part 6
Forgiving and Being Forgiven
Today we come to what may be the hardest step on the road to Recovery. It is the step that requires forgiveness, and forgiveness is not something that will come easily. In fact, sometimes when we think we have forgiven someone, bitterness can rear its ugly head, and we realize there is still more forgiving left to do. Before we begin, let’s do a quick recap of the steps so far.
R ealize I’m not God. I admit I’m powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing and my life is unmanageable.
E arnestly believe that God exists, that I matter to Him, and that He has the power to help me recover.
C onsciously choose to commit all my life and will to Christ’s care and control.
O penly examine and confess my faults to myself, to God, and to someone I trust.
V oluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask Him to remove my character defects.
And then today’s…
E valuate all my relationships—offer forgiveness to those who’ve hurt me and make amends for harm I’ve done to others except when to do so would harm them or others.
The need for forgiveness, whether forgiveness for us or towards others, is woven throughout Scripture, but Paul sums up the need in Ephesians.
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31-32
All those emotions and hurt that cultivate from sin must be put away. We are to be kind to one another, tenderhearted and forgiving, why?, because Christ forgives us. The root and power of forgiveness does not come from willpower, self-motivation, or chemical help. The power to forgive comes from the power of Christ who took on flesh, lived a sinless life, laid that life down for us, and rose up from the grave. This truth will, and is the only way you will, begin to let go of the hurt and pain.
Forgiving those who’ve hurt me
Why should we forgive those who have hurt us?
We forgive because God has forgiven us.
The more we understand God’s forgiveness for us, the more we will be willing to forgive others. If we were to catalog all the sins we have committed against God, it would be too much. Keep in mind there is no such thing as “little sin” and “big sin.” They are all equally deplorable in God’s sight. So every little lie, every little curse, every little thing that you know is against God’s design for life, is one more thing that God forgives.
And He keeps forgiving. As Lamentations says,
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
They are new every morning;
Great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23
We are approaching Easter when we celebrate the Resurrected Christ. Unfortunately, too many Christians take this holiday rather flippantly. It is another celebration and another excuse for retail sales and candy. But this is the time we remember the price and power of salvation. The Resurrection is directly tied to our ability to forgive and restore relationships. The most important is, of course, our relationship with God. Through Christ, God reaches down to us and builds a bridge of peace in order for us to be restored to right relationship with Him. It is also through Christ that we can build bridges of peace to those around us and restore our friends, family, and neighbors into right relationship with us. It takes time, but it can happen because of Jesus.
I recently heard a more psychological interpretation of the Resurrection that is actually not too far removed from the ancient understanding. When we survey the cross, Christians have traditionally used the exercise known as “the stations of the cross.” It is not something popular in Baptist circles, though it should be. The stations remind the believer of the events and places leading up to Golgotha, and in each station, the participant is asked to reflect who they are in the story.
They are reminded of Pilate who denied the possibility of Truth and washed his hands of the whole event.
They are reminded of Mary who courageously gave up her son in order to serve the Lord.
They are reminded of Judas who betrayed his best friend in exchange of silver.
They are reminded of the mob who cried out for Jesus’ murder without any evidence of wrongdoing.
They are reminded of Barabbas, the murderer and political terrorist, who went free despite his obvious guilt.
They are reminded of Jesus’ disciples and friends who run away when Jesus needed them most.
And finally, they see Jesus, on the cross suffering the absolute worst way to die having lived 33 years of absolute innocence and whose only crime was to teach humanity how to live and love as their Creator designed them to live.
And on that Friday, they all watch as their Lord, their friend, and their Savior takes on the punishment of pain and death they deserve. We all take a look, a long hard look, at the Savior who takes on the entirety of humanity’s worst attributes.
On that Saturday, humanity is left with the consequences of their sin and hatred. The Savior is dead. Their friend and their God is gone. It the darkest day for humanity, and as we remember that day, we all take a look at the consequences of our own hatred, sin, and failures.
But when the darkness seemed overwhelming and would never end, Sunday comes. There is light piercing through the pain and death. At the end of the crucifixion and in the deepest, darkest depths of humanity’s sin, there is light. All the pain, hurt, sin and death is destroyed! Jesus overcomes it all! He rises up from the grave and pronounces forgiveness and eternal life!
Easter Sunday is so much more than a token holiday of faith. It is the power to restore all things that sin destroys! When we are willing to surrender to the truth that God does exist, that He does love us, and that love was demonstrated on the cross, then we can also experience the power of that resurrecting love in our lives. “His mercies renew each morning” because there is no sin that cannot be forgiven, no hurt that cannot be healed, no tear that cannot be wiped away.
That is the weight behind Paul’s words:
Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
Colossians 3:13
Next, we forgive because the alternative will never heal us.
We forgive because resentment doesn’t work.
Resentment only breeds bitterness, and that bitterness will destroy our life. Consider the wisdom in Job.
You who tear yourself in your anger,
shall the earth be forsaken for you,
or the rock be removed out of its place?Job 18:4
Has your anger ever changed anything? Has the earth bent to the will of your anger? Consider what actually happens:
One dies in his full vigor,
being wholly at ease and secure,his pails full of milk
and the marrow of his bones moist.Another dies in bitterness of soul,
never having tasted of prosperity.Job 21:23-25
Bitterness does not bring healing. It only brings more death.
We forgive because we will need to be forgiven.
This point is connected to the first. Jesus gives a grave warning about a failure to forgive in Mark 11.
And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.”
Mark 11:25
Our willingness to forgive others is directly tied to God’s forgiveness for us. Now, this is one of those verses that theologians call “sticky”. We know God is willing to forgive any who call on the Name of the Lord. We also know that forgiveness is not based on anything we do (or don’t do), but rather is based on the finished work of Christ. So, then, what does Jesus mean here? It has to do with our walk with God. When we harbor bitterness and fail to forgive those who have hurt us, that bitterness will be a block between us and God. We will not be able to experience a fuller, maturing walk with Jesus because something has come between us.
Picture a couple walking through a market or shopping mall. They are hand in hand walking together. Then, one’s eye catches something else and the person moves away from their spouse. While they are separated, a crowd of people and kiosks come between them.
Is the love gone between them? Of course not.
Will they ever reach each other again? Absolutely.
But until the things between them are removed, they will remain detached.
When we harbor bitterness, it’s like a giant wall is erected between us and God. Brick by brick, with each decision to not forgive, the wall gets bigger and thicker. God still loves us, and He still wants us, but the distance we feel between us and God grows. We are not experiencing the Resurrection. We have become the disciples who walked away.
How do I forgive those who have hurt me?
Take a look again at Ephesians 4.
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.
Ephesians 4:31-32
To forgive, we must reveal the hurt.
Once we are ready to begin forgiving others, we have to be honest. You cannot heal the hurt until you admit the hurt.
When Paul says, “Be kind to one another,” he does not mean live in denial. Sometimes Christians believe being kind requires hiding the hurt. After all, how can it be kind to bring up something uncomfortable? Whether or not you physically face the person who hurt you is a different decision, but it is not kind to yourself to remain in denial. If you are hurt, you are hurt. Even if you choose not to reveal it to someone else, reveal it to yourself. Admit the hurt.
To forgive, we must release the offender.
All the bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, slander, and malice have to be “put away from you.” It has to be released. We can’t wait for someone to ask to be released or forgiven. We must take the proactive step. Whether or not they want to seek Recovery or peace is up to them. If you want to be at peace, then you must be the one to take the steps towards peace. You cannot have peace while these things are present in your life—release them.
How often do we have to forgive someone? The disciples asked Jesus this very question in Matthew 18.
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Matthew 18:21-22
Forgiveness is not a one and done act. It is an ongoing act, because as I wrote earlier, bitterness has a way of reaching out of the darkness and attacking our minds again. Instead of allowing bitterness to take root, we must rest in God’s peace.
To forgive, we must replace my hurt with God’s peace.
The last phrase in Ephesians 4:32 is key. We forgive just as God in Christ forgave us. Again, the more we meditate on the extent and power of God’s forgiveness, the more we will be able to forgive others. God’s forgiveness always brings peace. That peace will be the anchor when those bitter thoughts emerge.
Making amends to those I’ve hurt
We have now come to the other half of forgiveness. It is time to recognize those we have hurt.
How do I make amends to the people who’ve hurt me?
You do the same steps.
First, we make a list of those you have hurt. Now, for those who are at peace with their innocence, I have a few questions for you.
Is there anyone I owe a debt to that I haven’t repaid? Is there anyone I’ve broken a promise to? Is there anyone I’m guilty of overcontrolling? A spouse? A kid? A brother? An employee? Friend? Is there anyone I’m overly possessive of? Is there anyone I’m hypercritical of? Have I been verbally abusive to anybody? Or physically abusive? Or emotionally abusive? Is there anyone I have not appreciated or not paid attention to or forgotten an anniversary? Is there anyone I’ve been unfaithful to? Or have I lied to anyone?
Remember, the key to this whole series is honesty.
Making amends requires honesty with yourself.
Second, think how you would like someone to make amends to you. Keep in mind the Golden Rule.
And as you wish that others would do to you, do so to them.
Luke 6:31
If someone were to come to you and apologize for what they had done, how would you want it done?
There are three issues to take into account.
Making amends requires good timing.
For there is a time and a way for everything, although man’s trouble lies heavy on him.
Ecclesiastes 8:6
You may be in a hurry to make amends so you can feel better, but you must deal with it according to their time, not yours. Being selfish while making amends does not work. Even if your trouble lies heavy on you, there is a time and a way.
Making amends requires the right attitude.
Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ,
Ephesians 4:15
Go to the person out of love. Don’t expect anything in return. Don’t offer excuses or justification. Just assume responsibility for your part.
Make restitution if possible. If you have their property, give it back. If money is owed, pay it back. If you can’t pay it all, pay what you can and return later with more. Now, the more serious your offense, the less likely you can pay it back. Some things can’t be restored this side of heaven. Offer a sincere apology knowing it will be too little, but also know that even this little thing can have significant power.
Making amends requires an appropriate response.
There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts,
but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
Proverbs 12:18
Sometimes, not always but sometimes, it is best not to contact the person you’ve hurt. Remember the qualifier in Step 6 is “except when to do so would harm them or others.” There may be innocent parties in the midst now, and they do not deserve to be hurt for the sake of your feelings. In those cases, there are two options to consider. The first is the empty chair technique. Get a chair and place it across from you. Then, open up to that chair. Pretend the person is there and just lay out all the things you’ve have done. This technique also works in those cases when you can’t face the ones you need to forgive. The second technique is to write a letter to the person knowing you will never mail it. Write it all down seeking forgiveness. Even if you never actually see the person again, you can at least fulfill Romans 12:18.
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Romans 12:18
Once these steps are taken, we can then move on. The last bit for forgiveness is refocusing our life on doing God’s will.
Once we forgive and make amends, we can focus our life on doing God’s will, living life God’s way.
Those steps are coming, but as we close today, I want to leave you with the words of Job 11.
“If you prepare your heart,
you will stretch out your hands toward him.
If iniquity is in your hand, put it far away,
and let not injustice dwell in your tents.
Surely then you will lift up your face without blemish;
you will be secure and will not fear.
You will forget your misery;
you will remember it as waters that have passed away.
And your life will be brighter than the noonday;
its darkness will be like the morning.
And you will feel secure, because there is hope;
you will look around and take your rest in security.
You will lie down, and none will make you afraid;
many will court your favor.
Job 11:13-19
There is hope beyond the hurt. Take a hard look at the Savior who bore our sin and pain on the cross. And as you look, you will see Him die, and then you will see Him rise again. And up from the depths of the grave, He brings life and healing. Remove all the things in your life that are keeping you from experiencing the joy of your salvation. Take hold of Jesus.